tomorrow i turn 21

this isn’t really a poem

but I turn 21 tomorrow. i think I’ll write a poem after this but I just wanted to write for now without having to get out of bed cause I just got in and I’m warm and cozy and it’s 10:47 on march 25 2024. woah haha idk something about it. not that I didn’t think I’d see the day because I just assumed I would. but maybe that’s the issue. or is it less of an assumption and maybe it’s more of the fact that age doesn’t really mean anything to me when I really think about it. you could be any age and be the smartest person on the planet. maybe not at 2 but still eventually. and no matter what year you reveal it you still were the smartest at 2. because you are still you. yes you evolve and are molded and then you break out and remold yourself exactly how you always pictured. and maybe you don’t get that far but maybe you get further and you write and reflect and think and share experiences to become fully the you you always were. just masked and blinded and up in a costume. i guess what I’m trying to say put simply. for those who don’t have the time and are in a rush. for the ones who skip to the end or ask for the spoiler who must know the end before the process. you are already dead so why do you care. if you aren’t living in the present youre in the future or the past. either way your existence is elsewhere, lacking that of the presence tense. you aren’t living, you lived. or are going to live when. because there’s always another step there seems to be doesn’t there? but what about the step you’re on. the one that got you to the place you are and setting you up for the place you’re going to be. do focus one step at a time. because then your focusing, in the present. you’re living. so once I accomplished that, for what does death have over me other than the opportunity to explore a new timeline. maybe looking at the one I lived, getting to live a whole new one. or simply just being. i never thought I wouldn’t make it to 21. because I just assumed. I wasn’t scared of not making it to 21 because it wasn’t march 25 yesterday. I wasn’t an hour away. that is being in the present. that is the purpose of life. and so wise that was wasn’t it? but I’m just 20. because age doesn’t matter to me, we made that up. why celebrate only one day a year? only when you make it a full year, you did it congrats! don’t you feel older and wiser? I’ve never been wiser than when I was 15 and 235 days. two days after a transplant that cultivated my understanding of life. haha don’t you see? celebrate everyday! everyday is my birthday I made it a full day! we made up the calendar how the fuck do we have a birthday? I’m sure there’s logic behind it but honestly think about it. I doubt the caveman gave a fuck. so yay I made it to 21. but when you ask me how I feel and what it’s like and wow isn’t it so spectacular haven’t you been anticipating this moment for so long! no honestly I’ve been dreading it. because I don’t really care. and nobody understands it. so they mock me and tell me to loosen up. but I don’t care because I’m so fucking loosened up.  I can guarantee I will fall asleep, and wake up on march 26 2052 on my 50th birthday next to the love of my life with my kids and a family who loves me, and Zazu living the life I’ve always dreamed of. thinking the exact same thing. i love my life. but I don’t care ab my birthday. so yea 21 will be cool and 20 was fucking a whirlwind. i learned a lot, grew a lot, reflected. a lot. figure out a lot of things and was left confused about a few. I felt and shared love, and gave and I got love, I surrounded myself with people who care about me and watched my grass I watered grow. with flowers and tulips and daisies and poppies and wildflowers. my life is just starting. each new day a new beginning. to add to the book or leave to be burned. to be appreciated and reflected upon and result in reward and abundance. 21 will be a year of lots of love. lots of new relationships and the tending to many past. to new experiences to new stories to new memories. I look forward to you from where I am. I attract abundance of all things good and beneficial and I did those of hurt and punishment. i entitle a happy year a year I will look back on and the good will squander the bad. I am so excited to see where I go. to document and share. to create and cultivate. to spread joy and excitement and hope and drive. I aspire and I attract. I’m excited for 21. even as scared as I am.