10.04

i just got back from a memorial service of a friend i had in highschool and the early years of college. He past at 22, one week before turning 23. i wouldn’t say we were close, but we were mutually tied. i would consider him a friend, i hold memories with him, shared class history and previous teachers. we grew up alongside eachother, growing and learning life. echoing our existence, intermittently crossing paths, always a happy memory we shared. his smile. held power, his presence held light. and even though, we weren’t so close we were close enough. and seeing the impact alone his loss had on our community made me reflect. feel for not only his family and those around me; but feel for my future. reflect on the impact i may hold.

death is so interesting. many fear it, try and run and avoid at all cost. its the only known part of our life. the only garuntee we hold, yet still so much is left to question regarding it. why? what happens? where do we go? all unanswered, until we reach it. a lesson we all learn for ourselves, the one inevitable aspect of life.

im not sure how im feeling. confused at a minimum. sad but mirrored gratefulness.

i learned to accept death at fifteen. graced by its potential again at 21, and calm in its presence. but it still makes me unerved. not dying in itself, the closest i was was the calmest i’ve ever felt. but moreso, what i leave when i die. the world will keep turning, people will keep living. but what impact will i leave? i like to think i wont be easily forgotten, but i as well hope i serve as a reminder to grace the earth with our life. live it to the fullest, celebrate the little moments. to expect nothing but appreciate everything. because the only thing we can count on is dying. does that change the way you might be living?